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Letters to the Editor

Our mature, thoughtful and collegial responses to select reader letters*.



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Editor
Via ADVrider

I am inclined to try T1 "challenge style" probably solo, on a lighter bike than my TE630. But.. do I read the "challenge" description correctly - motels?

Call me naive, but doesn't "solo" mean without innkeeper? I am puzzled by how staying in motels and picking up mailed clothes is any different than doing the Tour with a chase vehicle and staying in campgrounds. Has anybody done this tour the genuine hard way... carrying everything but fuel and daily food/water? This whole motel thing strikes me as just a lot more comfortable than roughing it. The Tour of Idaho "Challenge" strikes me as being for beginners and "other" sorts.

DiabloNukie

Dear Hotness,

    Let me assure you that the term "naive" never crossed our minds. Honest and no lie - but more on that later. To your essential points.

The most obvious manner in which riding the Tour without the use of a chase vehicle is different from riding the Tour with the use of a chase vehicle (and whatever it can carry) is that you have to actually ride the entire Tour, as opposed to catching a ride whenever you get tired, encounter adverse weather, have a mechanical failure on or just can't handle the terrain. Of the hundred or so groups who've started out over the past few years none have completed T1 wagon train style. There is something about knowing that you have to make your daily nut with just your wits that encourages aspirants to plan ahead, show up with the right stuff and keep going when the going gets tough instead of sticking out a thumb and hoisting up a pant leg.

Camping gear? Hey - if you want to embark on a 1000+ mile dirt bike ride with extensive sections of deep sand, steep rocky trails and technical single track with fifty extra pounds on your bike that doesn't have anything to do with making it go forward knock yourself out. Just don't light up chat rooms after the fact about how you could have done it if not for all of the snags, washouts, steep rocky trails and flat tires.

While it is true that a Tour Alumnus did once mail a pair of skivvies and socks to Elk City I'm reasonably sure, without knowing a thing about you, that this individual could ride T1 all the way to Canada and back before you even got your bike out of the parking lot. As a general practice I'd be a little careful calling out "other sorts" you don't know from behind that monochrome monitor in your mom's basement lest you one day encounter them on the trail. One member of the T1 community, incidentally, did the bulk of T1 without camping gear, the USPS or motels because it only took him 32 hours to cover the first 1000 miles from Utah to Wallace. Sounds like a genuine hard way to us. 

As we took great pains to point out in the Tour of Idaho FAQ, it's no small feat to average around 250 miles a day on T1 type terrain for six days. You leave your bunk very early each morning and get in very late each night. If your vision of "inn keeping" is lounging around a pool at the end of each day with umbrellaed foo-foo drinks you are mistaken. It's generally a shower, ibuprofen, then straight to bed for a few hours of sleep before heading back out for another 16+ hour day. And if you fail to make it to the "inn" you'll be sleeping under your bike to stay warm in the middle of lots of wilderness inhabited mostly by large, hungry predators.

Naive isn't what comes to mind as we read your missive - it's something more along the lines of dip-poopie (we're PG rated here). We spent years mapping out one of the most adventurous dirt bike rides anywhere and provide maps, photos, video, detailed directions and lots of first hand advice about it for free. How you choose to use it all is your business. The only things we've ever asked are that "Tour of Idaho" be reserved for those who complete the route in the manner envisioned buy the Tour of Idaho community and that everyone be honest. We are learning to live with disappointment on both accounts.

Not like we are naive ourselves. Years of bitter experience have taught us that if you make a race course 30' wide there's always some dip-poopie who wants to make it 31' That's you, here. But we'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness. If you really want to ride a Tour of Idaho free of the challenges envisioned by it's progenitors, might we suggest this variant. I'm sure that everyone you encounter will be really impressed by your bikes, your camping gear, your 50 camp stoves and your trailer.

Best Regards,

Turbo
I am a beginning rider who just attempted the Tour of Idaho and here are my impressions and some suggestions as to how you might improve your route description. Directions for the Tour should include a rating system like those on ski hills with bunny trail type riding such as dirt roads as green, blue for intermediate difficulty like ATV trails and black diamond sections for the most technical riding. The last thing I think that people want is to go out and get hurt by not being aware of the type of riding they are getting into and this would help because riders could detour around anything over their heads.

I think you need to change the Tour somewhat. I attempted the Tour as my first long ride and had a lot of trouble with it. The first day kicked my butt. My KTM 450 EXC has stock suspension that thrashed my arms. I have no steering damper and man I paid for it. The harshness of my suspension gave me an acute case of carpal tunnel syndrome that I am just now recovering from. My riding partners on an XR650R and a WR250 could not make the black diamond rocky parts of the trail the first day or any of the black diamond sand on the second (which was very hot!). Their bikes were too big and not setup properly for rocks and sand. Also, though I am from the Midwest and mostly unfamiliar with Idaho, I think that you should have routed the second day of the Tour straight across the Snake River desert instead of zig zagging across it. We were too out of gas to climb Big Southern Butte by the time we got there. We couldn't do the Massacre Mountain Loop either and think you should leave it off the Tour or mark it as black diamond. We made it to Challis after five days and decided to bag the rest of the trip and stay at a guest ranch. The guest ranch was the best part of the whole ordeal.

All in all the Tour is OK with mostly intermediate riding but the black diamond stuff should be better marked.

Master Noob

Dear Noob,

     This is another of those missives which show up occasionally that we are sure has been sent along by someone trying to yank our collective chain. But a little checking around revealed that your memo was actually a serious communique. We are struggling mightily to come up with an appropriate response. That's because if 20,000+ words on MoJazz, a Tour of Idaho Facebook group, a reader forum, a veritable cornucopia of photos and video, a complete and extensive collection of color coded (by difficulty) topographic maps, gigabytes and gigabytes concerning bikes, bike setup and preparation failed to provide any clue as to what you were getting into attempting the 1370-mile Tour then we are largely content to let nature take it's course. Darwinism is like the West itself - it's rough business, but it's fair. 

But since you took the time share your impressions with us we'd be plumb inhospitable if we did not attempt to return the favor. How about this? For your next trip to Idaho why don't you stop by MoJazz HQ first (inquire at the TID flagpole). You can leave that KTM 450 EXC with us (we'll take real good care of it) and in return we'll provide you with a pair of skis, a ride up to the local ski area and a trail map marked just the way you like. We'll even throw in an avalanche beacon! One thing though - out here green means easiest way down, not bunny run, so please make sure that you place your skis on your boots with both shovels pointed downhill.

Best Regards,

Turbo

Hey what's the deal? A friend at Femmoto mentioned MotorcycleJazz to me but I am having a difficult time understanding why. There is almost no content anywhere on this site relevant to woymn motorcyclists. Most of your rag-zine, frankly, reeks of adolescent male huperson antics and fart jokes. Your sad attempts at machismo and masculine humor are unamusing to anyone besides balding, aging, male hupersons desperately attempting be something other than completely pathetic. As a strong woymn I refuse to be disempowered by the likes of your drivel. Your obvious insecurities vis a vis assertive woymn are reflected in sexist, aggressive and violent metaphors such as "big rear tire", "cane that baby for all it's worth", "runs hot" and "whack it open". It is obvious that your view from the saddle is one of phallic domination. The calls for subjugation of woymn that permeate your sick sense of humor are indicative of a violent spiral toward self-hatred, environmental degradation and ultimate destruction... (578 mind-numbing words later) ... and lastly I'll bet that you eat meat as well. Meat is murder.

Maggie

Maggie,

     Where to begin? It's obvious that you could not have looked over our website very hard (oops, make that very thoroughly), or you would have noticed important contributions from our XX huperson staffers Ducati Hottie and Megan Broyles. Both are formidable and very assertive babes, er, woymn, with writing/editing/photography chops you can only dream about in this life. On top of that I'm betting that the Hottie could ride you and your posse of Angels even Hell doesn't want straight into submission (dangit, another unfortunate metaphor - sorry!).

But, I digress. My responses to your principal concerns with various bits of MoJazz content are summarized below.

  • Two-stroke and four-stroke are engine configurations, not moves. 
  • They are called "umbrella girls" because they hold up umbrellas to shade road racers waiting under the hot sun on the starting grid. The term is not a sneaky reference to condom dispensers.  
  • No, I did not, in fact, ever provide my son any gender neutral toys to play with. Depending on what age you are referring to he'd have either run then down with his 50, waged violent conflict on them with his collection of Decepticons and Autobots, or doused them with race gas and set them on fire - all of which seems like a waste of perfectly good Baby GoGo dolls to me. 
  • Geeze, I don't mean to be overly disrespectful, but are you at all aware of the modern invention known as a Google Search? The term "bhp" stands for "brake horse power", not "babes have poked". I do agree that 150+ is a big number either way you look at it though. 
  • I find your suggestion that we combine the terms "she", "he" and "it" into one gender neutral pronoun scatologically interesting and inadvertently very funny. We'll work it in as often as possible. 
I hope that this addresses at least some of your concerns. I'll look forward to any future correspondence but for now that's all she wrote (oops, that's all sheit wrote).

Best Regards,

Turbo

I understand that a dirt specific bike (CRF450X or KTM530) is required for the Tour of Idaho. Is it possible to complete the Tour's toughest technical sections on a big rally bike? I live by the mantra that character and perseverance are more important than skill, but I also have skill. I won't try to impress you with my resume but I have been riding and racing off-road for more than 30 years now. Is it technically possible for a skilled rider (like me), with the will to finish, to complete any given section of the course on a KTM 950 Adventure? I read that no one on a big Beemer had ever finished but your website does not say why.

The Man

Yo Manny,

     Thanks for not trying to impress us with your resume. The short answer to your question's main course is not unless you can carry a KTM 950 Adventure on your back. As for the trimmings, please see the Tour of Idaho FAQ.   

Two months later...

Thanks for your response a few months ago. Just wanted to let you know that we just finished T1 in six days and my son rode the all of the technical parts such as Oxford Ridge and Trail, Massacre Mountain Loop, Chinese Wall, etc. on the KTM 950 Adventure. We did not get over 60 challenge points but that's because of fires we had to detour around. Just thought you'd like to know.  

The Man

Yo Manny,

     We stand corrected - and thanks for setting us straight. We beg your indulgence for just a few questions about your unprecedented feat. 

What am I to make of this photo taken on the Massacre Mountain Loop - an image I believe that you will recognize as featuring the only member of your group who did the Massacre Mountain Loop according the the photographer - a T1 alumnus. 

Did 150 lbs and 650 cc fall off on the trail somewhere? What about that pipe - you store extra fuel in the fat part or something? Where can I get me a totally svelte KTM 950 like that one? Do they take American Express?

I did see video from later in the same day of a KTM 950, with all of the regular stuff bolted on, going down like the Titanic in a moderately technical stream crossing. 

But enough of that. I get confused about what bike I'm riding all of the time. What the heck, eh? I actually recall seeing your group at the TID flagpole the first day of your trip (it's in my front yard). I was struck by how surprisingly clean your bikes looked after riding 125 miles of thunderstorm-drenched trails; quite the feat - as was not being slowed down by the two dead cows that blocked the only trail into Oxford Basin all that day. A MoJazz editor behind you (who showed up covered in mud) reported no evidence in the muddy terrain of any party ahead of them most of the way. What's the trick - antimudder?

All of the Tour in six days? Challenge points lacking only because of forest fires? You should know that another rider on the trail the same week accumulated 61 GPS verified challenge points while overcoming two flat tires, a dead electrical system and a well-thrashed bike riding mostly by himself. Though he had nothing but nice things to say about running across your group along the way he did mention that the last he saw of you was along the Lolo Motorway late one day looking for short cuts to Wallace. FYI - he forged ahead by himself on a shagged tire and nursing a wonky electrical system and made it by midnight. That's character and perseverance for you. 

So even though it's all kind of confusing, good on ya for whatever it was that you did out in the woods. I'm sure that it was a blast.

And thanks again for not impressing us with your resume.

Best Regards,

Turbo
Saw your website about the Tour of Idaho. I can't get this ride out of my mind. I *really* want to do this thing.

I have a question: would it be possible to do the Tour of Idaho on one of the BMW AdventureSport bikes (R 1200 GS) with someone on back? My wife *really* wants to go as well and my thinking is that if this would be the only possibility of attempt this ride two up.

For what it's worth, I'm an upper intermediate to experienced dirt rider currently riding a DRZ400.

Chris

Dear Chris,

     When I first read your email on the old Blackberry in my pit at a local MXGP race I thought that you were one of our Tour of Idaho forum participants joshing me. The whole notion of writing to inquire about doing a 1370-mile dirt bike ride that contains extensive sections of technical single-track, rocky mountain trail, deep sand, numerous deep water crossings and enough obstacles to make an endurocross aficionado beam with pride, two-up on a 600 lb Beemer, is just the kind of thing many MoJazzers would think of as good, clean fun. But most of the folks likely to perpetrate such a hose job were within earshot and quickly denied any involvement. So I'm taking your email at face value and phrasing my response in terms that I think you'll comprehend even though you obviously didn't wrap your mind around much of the 20,000+ words we devoted to the Tour of Idaho on half a dozen MoJazz pages.

Are you a freaking loon?

Years of bitter experience as a college lecturer have taught me that even the most lucid explanation of simple ideas will often fail to make as much as the smallest dent in the skulls of those whose talents do not include reading for comprehension and rely on the "CliffsNotes" version of all material more complex to digest than a license plate number. I've even seen students trying to figure out what part of Newton's second law to highlight with a yellow Sharpie! But I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness so I'm going to bust out a yellow Sharpie myself and cull some information that, in condensed form, might penetrate that neutron-star dense cranium, my brother. 

From the Tour of Idaho Index Page:

The Tour of Idaho (T1) is a 1370-mile dirt bike ride that begins in the Malad Range of southern Idaho and ends in the Selkirk Mountains near the Canadian border. It is very likely the most difficult long dirt bike ride in the United States. Street legal dirt bikes are required. Idaho has some new requirements for off road motorcycles. If your bike is plated out of state you should be fine. Click here to check the rules.

From the Tour of Idaho Route Description Page:

The first day of the Tour, though the shortest in terms of miles, holds the most continuous technical challenge.  Roughly half of the route consists of rugged jeep and atv trail. Most will find this to be a full day (8+ hours).  Gas, food and water are not a problem with the longest distance between services being about 50 miles.

... The next 30 miles of deep sandy trail is one of the technical highlights of the Tour. If you aren't good at deep sand or deep sandy whoops don't worry - you will be by the time you finish this section.

Bear off Lake Channel Road into the bowl and follow a trail west then north that winds through sand dunes, sandy whoops and lava rock some 10 miles to Bonanza Lake. There are a myriad of trails criss-crossing this area and you'll end up riding around in very tiring circles without paying close attention to the GPS track. At times the sand is quite deep and the dunes high and steep. Though exciting, these trails are well-ridden and mostly avoid serious hazards. Beware of large lava rocks, often hidden in the sand, that you may assume are bolted directly to the center of the earth in terms of their ability to move upon impact. You'll need to keep up your speed to climb the omnipresent dunes but at a level below reckless abandon.

... Proceed west along Dry Creek Road approximately 6 miles to an intersection with a road at the bottom of a small hill on the north (right) that descends steeply into a gulch. This road leads to the way north. A major challenge of the Tour continues west (left) up Dry Creek 2 miles to Long Lost Creek. It's here that you'll find the Massacre Mountain Loop, a rugged 16.5 mile loop trail consisting of spectacular scenery and wild riding. The Massacre Mountain Loop is among the worst nightmares that bad dreams are capable of conjuring for those on large or heavily loaded bikes ...

From the Tour of Idaho FAQ:

Q: Can I do the Tour (T1) on my _____, _____, or _____ 500+ lb dual sport without messing up the wax job?   A: How the heck should we know?  It ultimately depends on if you can ride the damned thing, doesn't it? In point of fact the Tour has been attempted on bikes as small as a YZ250F and as large as a DR650S dual sport (though the guy on the DR had some major cujones). It has been attempted by individuals perched atop nearly every type of knobby-shod motorcycle imaginable as well as some that are not. As for us - we think that the average pilot of a BMW R1200GS will really wish that they were on a Honda CRF450X much of the time (especially the first three days) - unless they happen to be Johnny Campbell in which case it won't matter in the least bit. You will probably get tossed from whatever you ride more than once so make sure that you can pick it up and that it doesn't break easily.

Have a look at the maps (and the photo below). Notice that the Tour of Idaho goes right to the tops of several impressively tall mountains with contour lines really close together. Beyond that technical challenges include miles of rocky trails, deep sand, numerous swift water crossings and enough snags for an episode of Axe Men. For most mortals we'd recommend large displacement dirt bikes with lights (something along the lines of an XR650R, CRF450X, KTM525, WR250F or WR450F are nearly perfect for the Tour). If in doubt small is better than large. Slap a plate on the back of whatever actual dirt bike you have and you should be good to go. Make sure that whatever you ride has a large gas tank (or invest in comfy boots). If you choose to ignore our warnings about these sections and tackle them on your KLR650 or something equally ill-suited please forget that you know us.

Just in case you haven't gotten the point yet - do not set out on T1 on a dual sport motorcycle unless it's one that you can pack on your back. A salient tidbit for those who would thumb their nose at the big wheel in the sky is the TID scorecard - which shows exactly zero complete transits of T1 by dual sport motorcycles - and not for lack of trying.

If you can't run a mile on flat ground in less than 8 minutes you are going to have your work cut out for you. Unless you live somewhere in the Western USA well above sea-level you'll need a few days to acclimatize to the rigors of hard work at altitude (9000' the first day). Your knees are going to take a pounding. We recommend fat bars and a steering damper to minimize arm and shoulder pump. Beefy pegs and real boots are essential. Full armor, tinted goggles and a good helmet are a must. Do not embark on the Tour without either a good roost guard or some form of stout, protective body armor (a back protector is a splendid idea). Stock up on ibuprofen because you are going to need plenty of it. Be ready for excessive heat and freezing cold in the same day. Be prepared to get rained on, snowed on and to dodge forest fires. Be prepared to work your fanny off.

Make sure that your bike's brakes, tires, chains and sprockets are fresh (you will completely shag even a fresh hard compound rear tire over the course of the Tour). Also make sure that you are jetted for 5000+. Don't bring a bike that you are unable to either ride or drag over large rocks and logs because there is an excellent chance that you'll be doing just that more than a little. There are a few places along the Tour where you are literally riding along a razor's edge of catastrophe. It's best to have a bike you really trust and can handle with confidence under such circumstances. You might get away with riding a 600lb, poorly suspended motorcycle over a single log or rock step - but are you prepared to do this hundreds of times for 1300 miles? Are you prepared to rely on a beast you have to wrestle hard in remote mountainous terrain where the consequence of a mishap may be quite high?

On the off chance that you are actually looking for cover to initiate a divorce (or separation by death) I can't think of a better outing to accomplish such a thing.

I hope that this clears everything up.

Best Regards,

Turbo
Via ADVrider

I have a question for you on T2. In the fuel list availability list you show Jordan Valley as having a 24 hour pump. Since Oregon law says you can't pump your own gas, how is it possible to fuel up unless the station has people working there 24 hours a day? I really doubt that is the case in a small town like Jordan Valley. 

Thanks, Ed.

 Dear Ed,

     My sincerest apologies for being so long in responding. I visit the ADVrider site only occasionally - the reason being that most every time I do I feel like I am having an appendicitis after perusing just a few posts. With all of the wonders available on the Internet I try my best to avoid sites that provide some sort of contact stupid buzz. ADVrider - a gem of a notion - is, alas, about 3/4 filled with inane drivel from moto-nerds who'd probably suffer a myocardial infarction in the unloading area of any actual adventure ride. OTOH - we've met a fair number of really good folks and talented riders through ADVrider. As the aphorism goes - brilliant minds think alike  - since they disdain the high level of ADV background noise as badly as we do. I'm sure that someone as obviously quick on the uptake as yourself is down with all of this.

     But - I digress. After reading your question a few times I'm a bit curious as to why, having evidently never been to Jordan Valley (just a hop, skip and a jump from your indicated 10-20), you seem sure that whatever you've conjured up about rural Oregon behind that monochrome monitor trumps our actual experience - as reflected in the T2 description that we made available in plain, easy-to-read fonts on MoJazz (or, for that matter, how you missed the telephone number we included which picks up 24/7). The gas station is, in fact, staffed 24 hours a day, seven days a week and has been for several decades (as is the case in many small Oregon towns on major US highways hundreds of miles from anywhere). We are pretty sure of this because we've bought gas there (and registered for the motel next door) at all hours of the day and night after many transits of T2. That or we were confused each time and were actually in Wyoming, Utah or some parallel Universe. If it's not it is a very recent occurrence that could easily be sorted out by dialing the phone number we provided.

     Anyway, I hope this clears thing up. Best of luck on your T2 adventure. When you sign the register at the TID flagpole please be sure to wander out to the nearby shop and say hello. Make sure that you tell us who you are so that we can complete the circle of life between hard-headed ADVrider posts, gas stations, cosmology, tire irons and your noggin. 

Best Regards,

Turbo
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visiting https://www.google.com/adnonsense/support/bin/you are a bad person.

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Dear Google Adnonsense Team,

     When I first encountered your email a few hours ago I was certain that it was spam - though the link sure looked authentic enough when I clicked through on my Blackberry. Since I had no reason, to my knowledge anyway, to worry about anything untoward I forgot about it until I got home. Then, to my amazement, I discovered that Google ads were no longer being displayed on any MoJazz pages. Since I reserved a prominent location near the top of each page on which the ads were supposed to be displayed the result was a forlorn 728 x 90 empty space where the ad bar used to appear. 

     Since your email was somewhat less than revelatory my first follow up step was to again follow the link to see if I could discern exactly what was going on. Considering the permutations I've been through in the last eight months to get relevant ads to display correctly, including a fairly laborious coding effort, I was really wound up to get to the bottom of the latest infarction. The information in the link basically says that the reader has been a bad person - and that though you aren't going to tell why or how you know, they are. A brief Internet search revealed useful information elsewhere. Evidently you have concluded that I or someone else here at MoJazz spends all day clicking on the ads displayed on MoJazz pages myself to drive up revenue. This I found to be a genuine howler even after dragging myself home at 2 a.m. in the early stages of a stupendous bourbon hangover.

     I have just a couple of brief items by way of a response. First - I am absolutely guilty of occasionally clicking on ads displayed on MoJazz - I'd estimate half a dozen times in eight months - about 0.02% of the total. Mostly this was because I was curious about things like how an ad for tourism in Knott County KY was relevant to a page containing maps of a dual sport ride the Mojave Desert. On one occasion though, I actually clicked through an ad to purchase something from a vendor right off of their website - even gathered the entire family unit around the dinner table to give them a circle of life kind of lesson in e-commerce. I thought that selling was the ideal behind advertising but perhaps I'm confused? Oh well, never mind. The only other thing is that given MoJazz's site volume and traffic rank a hundred bucks for eight months of advertising isn't exactly a get rich quick scheme. Please don't let the screen door smack you in the fanny on the way out.

     Anyhoo - I've stripped your code from MoJazz and I am not interested in any appeal. The local ads we display work far better for us than the curious gamut of nominally uninteresting and often hilariously inappropriate advertisements served up by your deus ex machina anyway, When we observed, for instance, ads for real estate in Kalamazoo at the top of a page on replacing motorcycle clutches, ads for hypnosis therapy in a story about endurance motorcycle riding, or ads for military spec Nomex accouterments on a page containing a review of a motorcycle jacket, we were encouraged to stay the course only to see if an ad for Vaseline would pop up in one of our glove reviews. That'd have been worth seeing.

     You've a great browser and I remain a fan of that, but your ad setup really sucks and the robotic customer interface occupies whatever level of usefulness is next below godawful. No hard feelings tho. Good luck with that whole China business.

Hasta la Vista,

Turbo
Dear MoJazz,

     I am the founder of a group called ________ ________ Society based in Cincinnati, Oh. I came across your website as I was searching for some equipment for my team. We are paranormal investigators that focus mainly on historical sites in an effort to re-energize the interest of our nation's history. We have worked extensively with historical societies located here in Ohio and have assisted them in raising funds to renovate and continue operating their historic locations. 

     We have found that being paranormal investigators passionate about history makes for a great combination that gets noticed. Half of our proceeds go to these organizations to help preserve our history. We are currently doing public ghost hunting tours at many locations and are looking to collaborate with merchants that sell items useful to paranormal investigators. We have already teamed up with a supplier of paranormal equipment and have posted their link on our website. They kindly have provided us with tools to use and demonstrate to our guests that come to these tours. It has been a great success for them as well as for us. I saw that you sell a Flight Vest that we have been in need of and searching for as well as other equipment that will be useful to us. What I am asking for is if you could just send us 1 of these so that we can showcase and use it during our tours to hold our equipment, and in turn, we will advertise for you at every event we host and on our website. This product will be in high demand in the paranormal community after we show its uses and we will have your company's name to give out to our guests and associates. We will be sure to have signs and/or business cards for our guests with your company's information if you provide us with that. Our tours are becoming increasingly popular and we are booked out already into the summer so there is a great opportunity for advertisement for your company.

     We are a professional non-profit organization and very highly regarded in the community. We know that your company's name is well-known already in the sports world, and what a great new area this would be to make your name known!  If you have any doubts, please contact me. You can see some of the wonderful things my group has done by going to our website.  I am also a film maker and each one of our investigations is made into a documentary available for everyone, and I make sure that I acknowledge and thank any company that has helped us out in making this possible. I would like for your company to be one of those. Please email me with any questions or concerns, and I hope to work out a very beneficial arrangement for you. We look forward to receiving this vest for our next tour date on 2/10/2009. Thank you for your time and consideration.

D.W.

Dear D.W.,

     I am sorry that I have been delayed somewhat in responding to your query. We are, unfortunately, always very busy here at the MoJazz Institute for Advanced Physics and I occasionally fall behind in responding to email. My sincerest apologies.

     I have had an opportunity to visit your website and I must say that it made a big impression. I lived in Cincinnati for several years and recognize many of the locations depicted in your photographs. The untapped potential of your work is, without a doubt, immense. It is fortunate that you are able to maintain obvious passion for your work in the face of a skeptical world. Qua angelus veror calco. Salude!

     Unfortunately we are not retailers for the vest which was the subject of your inquiry. We do, however, modify these devices to make them more useful for tasks as varied as riding the Baja 1000 and hunting for Bigfoot. We tapped the expertise of a wide range of users in designing our patent pending Govnovium 111.5 impregnation process, including such luminaries in your field as Jon-Erik Beckjord, and our preliminary field trials are yielding promising results. If you have a moment, and are willing to bear with me through a mildly technical explanation, I will explain how this works.

     Govnovium 111.5 is a rare element that is created as a byproduct of collisions between energetic particles. Until last year Govnovium was extremely difficult to obtain and prohibitively expensive for everyday use. The recent ramping up of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) has enabled us to obtain large quantities of Govnovium at relatively low cost. Because Govnovium violates baryon number conservation it can exist only as antimatter in this universe - hence it's immense utility. Govnovium has an exceptionally high cross-section for any sort of trans-dimensional or metaphysical energy. This means that when ethereal energy interacts with objects in our own space-time continuum, the high Govnovium cross-section ensures that the ethereal energy interacts with Govnovium at a greater rate (orders of magnitude) than ordinary matter. The Govnovium absorbs this energy and it is converted into matter at a rate of E = mc^2. Then, in accordance with Newton, a force is produced which may be detected as a faint impulse to wearers of Govnovium impregnated garments. Researchers investigating the existence of Bigfoot as a trans-dimensional being (Beckjord, et. al.) report that Govnovium is the best "early warning system" yet of a pending encounter due to the vibrations they feel in their Govno-beanies. As you are undoubtedly aware from your own work, the existence of large number of such entities makes the likelihood of encounters quite high. This means that a person traveling at high speeds wearing Govnovium encounters near continuous inertial stabilization - so that in the event of a sudden change of trajectory, such as that encountered in a crash, Govnovium acts like a personal and portable air bag - hence our interest in its use in motorcycle vests.

     Unfortunately, though Govnovium prices are coming down it's still not what any rational person would consider inexpensive - so I am not able to offer you one of our vests free of charge. I would be willing, however, to consider a low-cost rental, say $1000 for 10 days, provided that you are able to ante up a cash bond and pay insurance for shipping (both ways). If this offer is of interest to you please feel to respond and we'll set things in motion.

Thanks for your interest in our work at MOJZIAP. We look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,

Turbo
*Any resemblance to actual letters received by the editors at MoJazz is purely intentional. 
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